Hare –Raising
Adventures
17th
Publication, October 16th–December
4,
2001
Astoundingly, I
already had an inquiry about when the next letter would be coming out, so
I felt it my duty to appease the masses before they got out of hand (it
may seem that I’m making a huge thing out of one request, but everyone
knows I’m willing to write a newsletter at the drop of a hat). While
this has been a fairly eventful period, I neglected to collect my
information from the calendar before Mom swiped and updated it, so bear
with me if I’ve forgotten something important.
I shall start
with MAFIA, since it’s been somewhat in the background in my recent
letters and several noteworthy occurrences involve it. I had contemplated
changing the acronym because I feared the wrath of Mom and also because it
isn’t a very good one. It turns out that Mom has mellowed someone to the
name, and so I shall continue with MAFIA.
This year we
moved to a new building with different pros and cons: it isn’t being
rented, since about half the staff are members, it is better laid out, and
more comfortable, while we aren’t allowed to eat food at all on the
second floor (no more snacks in History), and the Drama room has a foul
stench and is hot. Over all, it is still a better deal.
MAFIA has a new
music teacher this year (these music teachers seem to have a high turn–over
rate, since in the past three years we’ve had three different ones).
This teacher is better than the former, and the former was better than the
first, so music, at least, is looking up. He cooked up a plan to teach all
the students how to play the harmonica, which from the start got at least
tentative support from me since my philosophy has been “if we going to
have a music class, then let’s teach music.” It turned out better than
I expected, and so far he’s planning on having all the kids get up and
play “Jesus Loves Me” on their harmonicas at the “end of the
semester party” (whatever they call it). He also has been trying to
teach us to sing “Abide with Me,” (which, by the way, did not
receive support from me) and so far I’ve advanced greatly — in the art
of mouthing words. We are actually doing adequately in that as well, and
will sing that also at the ending party (if any of you are entertaining
thoughts of viewing this spectacle, which is this Thursday, remember to
bring ear plugs).
The classes
otherwise are very similar to previous years. Paul MacDonald, my comrade
in arms, this year is taking the art elective, so we are in all our
classes together, which is nice, since last year the MacDonalds had
dropped out and I was bereft of friends.
MAFIA has been
trying to erect a respectable front to lure more unsuspecting innocents
into its vortex, and Mrs. Ugi’s latest plot has been to instigate a plan
called ‘Teen Projects.’ This nefarious plan’s premise is this:
teenagers will, if left to their own devices, do no end of trouble and
waste their lives. Therefore, it is the duty of MAFIA to make sure that
they are kept one step behind in all their work so they never have free
time to enjoy themselves while burning down barns and such. The way to
create more work for them is to have an ‘optional’ teen project which
all the parents will leap upon with glee and force their kids to do, since
it’s such a nice idea. There are four routes to this torment. A project
can be history–, music–, art–, or drama–based. They all involve
blood, sweat, tears, and public humiliation. The poor souls who chose
history have to deal with Mom, and presumably write some paper dealing
with the Classical period (this is route to the least public humiliation).
Those who chose music must perform some musical piece in front of everyone
at the ending party and give a short summary of the author’s impact on
life (this is the path that Paul chose, but since he wrote his piece, he
obviously doesn’t need to say much). Those who jumped out of the frying
pan and into the fire found themselves in art, and, truth to tell, I’m
not sure of their fate. The same goes for those who fled in fear to drama
and found themselves in the worst position; I haven’t ventured into the
dark depths of drama for fear of being sucked in and never released, and
thus know little of the demise of those who have.
I, pressed on all
sides, chose the option with the least public humiliation and my own
(presumably merciful) mother as the one I must report to. I decided to
shoot two fowl with one bang and bump off my teen project paper and my
Pennsylvania Homeschoolers’ paper (they require a paper each year in
high school to complete that grade — and a speech, which I’m very
timorous about, but I’m not thinking about it much yet) with one swift
stroke. At the suggestion of Mom, I started gathering information on
Mahogany in preparation for a paper on it, and found, to my great and
continuing astonishment, that there is practically nothing out there on
this most fascinating of subjects. Here was an opportunity to make a name
for myself in a curiously neglected field! It required a number of inter–library
loans, but I gathered enough books for a passable bibliography, and am now
going to start taking notes.
There is a MAFIA
sponsored field trip every month, and one of them was to see a George
Washington exhibit a couple hours away. The MacDonalds took Steve and me
down with them. I was disappointed at the exhibit; most of the information
there I already knew (Mom attributed this to her excellent teaching
abilities), and it didn’t seem worth the long ride and wasted school
time. Old George also, in a number of pictures, suffered from Jean’s
Disease, a rare strain of Denimitis (this is in no way related to
qwertytis, commonly known as keyboard face). In short, it looked like he’d
been sleeping on a pillowcase made out of old jeans. On the way back we
spotted a sign promoting litter prevention (we assumed) on a canister
saying “Toss it for Ted.” We speculated on who Ted could be, amused
ourselves by changing the preposition for to at. This
quickly lead to finding rhyming words with Ted, and the following sentence
is the end product: “‘Throw a hunk of lead at Ted’s red head while
he’s being fed in bed so he’ll be dead before he’s wed,’ said Ed
and Ned.” You may make your own conclusions.
Another field
trip — this one more recent — was to J. J. Audubon’s house. We saw a
number of his paintings and stuffed animals, and were given a synopsis of
his life. They even had one of his Birds of America books open in a
glass case. Afterwards we were encouraged to perambulate about the trails,
which Paul and I did with celerity. Along the way we probably killed three
or four saplings while we attempted to make two Stephen Whackers TM (long
and flexible sticks for administering justice), since we both have
bothersome younger brothers with a forename of Stephen.
Mom has fallen
under the spell of historic gift shops and has to be dragged away from
them when she sees them. We weren’t fast enough this time, and she came
away with an extortionary receipt (she only bought trinkets like wooden
tops and the like, though I was trying to get her to purchase a reasonably
priced print — this was out of character, since I’m usually the one
dragging everyone else away and discouraging them from wasting their money
at such shops). She claims they’re for her History class, but I have my
doubts.
For quite a while
now our church sanctuary has been undergoing renovations of the most
extreme kind. If any of you have been there before, it will look very
different. I had attempted to weasel my way into the sanctuary renovation
committee (mainly because I wanted to push for deep blue carpeting, but
also for the experience) under the guise of representing the youth of the
church — of which there is a large percentage — but my plans were seen
through, and my generous offer was rejected. True to my second worse fears
(the first being my fear that they would choose hot pink for the
carpeting) they chose teal. This particular hue has never held much
attraction for me, because it can never seem to choose whether to be blue
or green. It also refuses to have either an adequate portion of dark or
light shading.
All of this is to
say that we obviously can’t be worshiping very well amidst the rubble
and scaffolding that is currently the sanctuary, so an alternate place had
to be decided. After much scouring of the county, the basement was found.
It has since proven, while not perfect, acceptable. I took advantage of
the turn of events to retreat to the back of the aisles to a convenient
nook right in front of the organ which no one else wanted (including the
rest of my family). So it’s interesting to look at the back of people’s
heads as a break from having the back of my head looked at, as it
has been for the past fourteen years of my life. I am further left to my
own devices by the Georges, whose four young children block the only way
in and out of my little alcove. While there is not documented scientific
evident for this, I believe that it may also increase my attentiveness to
the sermon since I’m not being aggravated by my siblings. It does have
its occasional humorous moments, such as the time during the passing of
the peace when I was mistaken for a George.
Halloween seems
very long ago. I did not participate insofar as I didn’t collect sugary
confections, though I still had to traverse the same amount of distance
because I was Ben’s escort. In what is now becoming an annual tradition,
we trick-or-treated in our neighborhood on Friday and went to the Plowman’s
on Saturday. At the farthest point possible from the Plowman’s house Ben
said he was too tired to walk and wanted me to carry him home. I had asked
him previously if he wanted to return (before we headed down a long dead
end) and we could hit the houses on the other side of the street on the
way back, but he solemnly assured me that he wanted to go on. The end
result was I had to carry Ben about halfway back (I revolted after a while
and we negotiated a deal).
I have found
documentation that indicates that as far back as the fourth grade — if
not before — I aspired to be a veterinarian. Two years ago we had caught
wind of a 4–H veterinary science club, and I attended that first
meeting. Sadly, I was found too young in years. Last year we missed it
because we saw no ad. This year I was determined to attend (I had a list
of four or five clubs that I desired to attend, but all of them except
this fell through for various reasons that greatly irritate me), so I
nagged Mom until she tracked the information down. I have since visited
the first meeting and my original impression is that the group as a whole
is leaning more towards a “save the animals and hug the trees”
approach than a serious study of the field of veterinary science, which is
what I would have preferred. I suppose I’ll just take what I can get.
One interesting phenomenon that I observed was that out of the twelve
clubbers (for lack of a more refined term), ten were girls. Both the
leaders were also female, so I felt somewhat outnumbered.
Nana and Poppa’s
kitchen is, I finally feel safe to say (though my feeling could be
erroneous), completed, inasmuch as it can or ever will be. The new
linoleum floor, new washer and dryer, drywall, lights, window, and
everything else is finally installed and working, as of this point in
time. Their container carrying all the material possessions that they didn’t
leave behind in Hawaii and didn’t bring in their suitcases arrived as
well, so along with their numerous boxes of books, they will be arranging
things for quite a while.
Poppa was set
right to work at the Herculean task of teaching me Latin. He started at a
rigorous pace at three chapters a week until the oppressed petitioned for
an opportunity to get some other school work done as well, so I’m
currently only doing two chapters a week. Just from studying their
language for so short a time I have discovered two pivotal points about
the ancient Romans. The rich alleviated their boredom by created a
plethora of noun forms, and because of this it became so difficult to
communicate that the Germanic hordes, whose language was so refreshingly
simple and barbaric (ask Dr. Femister if I am not correct), were an
enormous relief when they swept through and sent the rich scurrying away.
My arguments are further proven correct by the fact that all the languages
derived from Latin have slowly, over the centuries, been dropping the noun
forms (English, I’m told, only has two, as opposed to the Latin six).
My other school
work was finally ironed out and I had figured approximately how little
work I could do and still finish on time, when I realized that I had to
start working on my paper. I have since discovered that note-taking is
long, painful, and very unpleasant. Consequently my other subjects have
been suffering (better they than I, I say), but there isn’t much to do
about that.
Our van’s
running board broke quite a while back and we all eventually got used to
skipping it when we clambered into the vehicle, but whenever we had guests
in it whom we would forget to warn (or who would forget our warning), the
condition worsened. The effect of the damage done by each person was
directly proportional to their excess food reserves, and so eventually it
was in pretty poor shape and Dad got it fixed. It’s been hard adjusting
back to being able to use it again, and I still don’t think I’ve fully
re-adjusted. It’s funny how easily you get used to doing something such
as skipping a step or dealing with a peculiar tool.
As a ‘surprise’
Christmas present for Nana and Poppa all their children pooled their
resources and bought them a desktop computer. Dad and Pete spent a good
amount of time installing all the programs. Because Compuserve, who had
been giving them their E-mail and internet services, has been undergoing
some majors changes in setup, a lot of things had to be cleared. Dad also
got a new printer for his office which can print faster, on both sides,
and twice as fine. It is also ten years or so younger than the previous
one, so it will hopefully last us for some time.
In a recent home
letter from Mom she unabashedly stole a quote from me and paraphrased (to
those of you who get it, it was the bit about an archeological find
underneath all the papers on Dad’s desk) without even citing me. I have
since concluded that I should copyright everything I say.
Uncle John and
his family came down for Thanksgiving, and Uncle David was around for most
of the weekend, so it was a very nice holiday, despite the fact that a lot
of it was taken up by projects on Nana and Poppa’s house, and we shifted
all the junk that has been sitting on our patio since July back into the
garage. Many a game of Boggle was played by Katelyn, Megan, Stephen, and
I, and it was embarrassing how easily Katelyn beat the rest of us. As Nana
would say, “It’s a lesson in humility.”
As you know, Paul
MacDonald and I have been writing a couple stories and I’ve been
planning on posting them up on my web site for all to lambaste and
ridicule. As it turns out, I found a web site where you can post your
fictional tales for all to lambaste and ridicule. I speedily posted three
of the stories which can now be viewed, along with a strange story about
writer’s block that needs revision (I thought it up late at night after
reading several very good stories by others. It was a bad combination).
The web site URL is www.fanfiction.net,
and you only need to search for Snowshoe Hare under ‘authors,’ if you
want to see them. An interesting side point to all this is my wide ranging
(from genetics to the beginning of the universe, to life after death, to
free will, to changeable or otherwise gods) debate with an atheist. Since
the only people with whom I’ve ever really had any meaningful
conversations are Christians, and most of them believed what I was brought
up to believe, it certainly has been an interesting experience interacting
with someone whose basic premises are opposite of mine.
The social events
of the Lehigh RUF group have usually been graced with my presence, and a
number of them were quite interesting. One such occasion was our trip to
New York to assist in a soup kitchen. (Mom kept protesting that she didn’t
want both her husband and her child killed in some terrorist attack, but I
pointed out that not many people are going to be killing the poor of New
York City.) We started off at Dr. Femister’s house and had a highly
filling and very delectable breakfast and then headed off for New York. We
got stuck in traffic going into the city and made it to the kitchen in
time to clean up, which we did. After cleaning up, we fought over where we
should go — Dr. Femister, also known as Jim, and I were of one mind. We
should hit the most prominent bookstores in the city. The others
outnumbered us, though, and we eventually went to the Metropolitan Museum
of Art. Since we were in the van none of the parking garages would let us
in, so Dad dropped us off and went to find a parking spot. He actually
found one on the street. We then wandered around town for a while and
stopped into a little pizza place which served surprisingly good food for
its unostentatious location and appearance (though I don’t doubt that
the price was quite high).
Another event was
a tailgate party before the big Lehigh– Lafayette football game. I had
always thought of tailgate parties as a bunch of bibulous college students
with a dog huddled around the back of a car at two in the morning hoping
the police don’t come. I was apparently wrong. While the event went very
well, there were a number of things that could have made it better. For
one, the sheer amount of traffic on the roads drastically picks up within
a twenty minute window (so Jim, who came late because he had to make the
chili, didn’t arrive until everyone else — except Dad, Mom and myself
— had gone). Also it was difficult to find our location, so Jim
suggested getting a weather balloon with Reformed University Fellowship
printed on it and filling it up with helium at our spot. This would
probably be the best dollars–per–person (who sees a RUF ad) deal
possible.
Dad has been
desiring an assistant in his office for some time. He finally found a
college student who would be willing to put up with him three days a week
to clean out all the rodents’ nests and fossilized paperweights that
clutter up the third floor. Since his employment the office has shown a
marked improvement, but all the stuff that the rest of us have lying
around up there is swiftly being forced into less conspicuous places. I
suppose there can be no gain without some pain.
On the way to
MAFIA recently we had an accident. We were at a stop light which had just
turned green, and Mom was slowing advancing when she looked down for some
reason; thus, our big van tapped the rear bumper of the car in front of
us. The rather unpleasant lady — even I, who stayed in the car the whole
time could tell that if someone tried to give her a big hug, she would
probably bite them — got out and carefully pulled out a magnifying lens
and inspected her bumper for a full five minutes (we were still in the
middle of the lane). Actually, she didn’t, but only because she didn’t
happen to have a magnifying lens with her, though the five minutes were
all too real. It turned out that there was a minuscule dent that may or
may not have been from our brief connection, but Mom decided not to get
into a fistfight. We found out later from Mom that she had only had the
vehicle for two days, but that is still hardly excuse for her behavior.
The MacDonalds
are very interested in dramatic and histrionic endeavors. They were in a
production just last week (“The Best Christmas Pageant Ever,” which
Pete says is the most produced play ever, and I am inclined to agree with
the sentiment, if not the facts) which we attended. It was better than I
anticipated, possibly because I knew a large portion of the cast, the
director, and the stage manager. Miraculously, Stephen didn’t complain
the whole time there and back about how much of a waste of time this was
and how he could be doing better things.
This past Sunday
the old Moravian church downtown had its annual Advent Love Feast service.
It usually commences at four in the afternoon and consists of singing,
basically. In the middle of it raisin buns and coffee are served, and thus
my annual coffee-testing ritual began. Every year I drink a half cup of
coffee at this service and then swear off coffee for another year. Now,
some may say this is a foolhardy thing, for what if they serve poor
coffee? In response, I can only say that a half cup is about all the
coffee I can take for a year, and I might as well drink it there, where it’s
free. Unfortunately, they bumped the service back a half hour for some
reason or another, so we missed the first half of it, but the important
thing is we still arrived in time for the raisin buns and the coffee
ritual. (Parenthetically, the coffee didn’t taste as bad this time, but
still not worth drinking more than once a year if at all possible.)
With the excess
Creative Cubes from my great cage building project of a couple months ago,
I created an outdoor pen by connecting them with cable ties. The advantage
to this is the ability to accordion fold it up when not in use; in which
state , as you can imagine, it will stay for most of the winter. I’m
also planning on making a small tunnel for them out of scrap wood that’s
been lying around the basement for an unidentifiable number of years. The
cardboard containers that have been used up to the present are within a
month demolished by the guinea pig’s enjoyment of chewing on objects
susceptible to destruction, such as food, hay, book covers, and so on.
With great
lacrimation I must inform you that the economic situation in South Korea
seems to be quite well and they still have a surplus of workers with Ph.
D.s. Consequently, my baby sitting employment has been severed in half,
thus necessitating some hard scrutiny at my financial status and
expenditures. Basically, it means I’m going to have to cut down on the
spoiling of my guinea pigs (since my only other expense, really, is
birthday presents, I don’t think any of you would want me to cut back on
that). The connection between highly educated Koreans in Korea and my
babysitting career in Bethlehem is quite direct. Since no — or at least
few — Koreans are coming to the United States for education and those
who already here are slowly trickling back and their kids are growing up
and going to school, my occupation has been shrinking for a while, and I’ve
been anticipating this turn of events for a while.
A new Wegmans
opened open near us recently and Mom and Nana arranged a special
expedition just to explore the interior. While they were duly impressed,
it doesn’t appear to be the end–all and be–all of grocery stores.
They do seem to have a nice dessert section though, because Mom was too
busy drooling over (don’t worry — I’m sure they have some plastic
covering or other over them) the scrumptious but expensive confections to
notice that a man from the most wanted list was arrested there for
stealing a Band–Aid. He was found to have five hundred dollars in his
pocket and is a multi-millionaire, so it’s insane that he would not
bother to spend a couple dollars for a box of Band–Aids, but
parsimonious he was, I suppose.
I shall now
depart to work and my paper and Latin homework. I fare you all a pleasant
— if not joyful — Christmas.
–~Snowshoe
Hare~–
–~Christopher Green~–
*Here Endeth the
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